WHY I'M BETTER THAN CARLOS LINNAEUS

Carlos Linnaeus wrote the 'Classification of Species'. He invented taxonomy. He was a bleedin' chemist, for Christ's sake. He missed out on all the humour of life studying the spineless creatures of the earth and giving them strange names like Rana Hexadactyla. (Which, incidentally, is the name he gave to the common frog)

So, here's my own classification of species. You may find yourself in here. If you don't, please don't be offended. Notify me, and I'll do the needful (i.e., spit in your face and tell you to get a life)

The following will certainly hurt public sentiment. Please feel free to be hurt.

1. Mallus:

The bane of the human race. They multiple like… well, Mallus, and aim at taking over the world through extensive copulation and the consequent spreading of their genes. (Henceforward referred to as ‘GENEocide’) Distinguishing features include tendency towards coconut oil, migration towards hapless arab countries, mispronunciation of the vowels of the English language and an inclination to speak very very fast. Acquisition of large quantities of wealth through aforementioned aents, ungils, chetas and chechis in the Gelf, and income generated through ownership of large coconut orchards and plantations are the main obsessions of this breed. They are subdivided into two categories:

a) White malls: this breed spreads itself across the world, passing itself off as a genuine member of the race that it infiltrates, due to its flexible skin colour and racial characteristics.

b) Black malls: Highly intelligent owners of Parotta shops and teashops in various cities around the world.

2. Goltis:

This breed is known for its repeated offences against the human eye, indulging in the worst combination of colours known to mankind. Apart from this, they are pretty decent, despite having a language that sounds barbaric, and food that requires an iron stomach for processing. They are ever Reddy and also possess large amounts of money, but not nearly as much as the Mallus.

3. Bongs:

Too intelligent for their own good. End up inhibiting progress and imbibing alcoholic substances. Generally broke all the time, and talk loudly and vociferously, giving the impression that they have the customary roshgulla permanently lodged in their mouths.

4. Northies

Applies to anyone who lives north of the Cooum. They pretend that Hindi is the only language in the world, call everyone south of Bombay “madrasis” and generally have negative IQs. They have never been known to learn any other language, despite living in other parts of the world for large parts of their lives. They are uniformly loud and obnoxious.

5. Maadus:

Abbreviation of the Marvadi. They hoard wealth like the Mallus, wear worse clothes than the Goltis and spit paan out of their swanky Mercs. Also known as “Seths” they are primarily moneylenders and businessmen. They originate in Gujarat, but are found wherever there are people in financial distress. They infest the sowcarpet area in Chennai, and their children are known for their firm grasp of marvaadi insults.