YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL PRETTY GIRLS IN CHENNAI?

Tourists.

Seriously, it’s just not fair. I was in Bangalore last week, and the sheer volume of passably pretty, quite pretty, and oh-my-god women struck my staunch Chennai spirit as unfair. Here we are, a bunch of decent, unpretentious guys just looking to, well, look, but alas! There is no one to look at! Maybe it’s the fact that I studied in a school reserved only for males, and consequently never had the chance to meet any pretty women. That’s what most people (read women who have illusions of prettiness or are feminists for some creepy reason) would argue. However, in the course of the several culturals I participated in, I never did notice anyone who managed to fit the above bill.

But Bangalore! I was on Brigade road, on my own, as my sister had deserted me to go earn her living, and being bored, I watched people. As usual, I was lounging around, sniggering at ye olde “dudes” wearing funky, get this, DUPATTAS around their necks, and others wearing aviators at eight in the evening. I spot the occasional artsy desi boy being intellectual and teaching a firangi chick how to eat methi paratha. Probably a prelude to teaching her the positions in the kama sutra. I spot a Sardar guy, big as a house, strolling around in a baby pink turban, perfectly offsetting his skintight black tee and jeans. Oh, and aviators. And then, all of a sudden, the women! They spring up from nowhere and begin strutting their stuff. I am innocent Chennai boy. It startled me. So many hot women in one place at the same time! In Chennai, you can go for weeks without seeing a pretty girl. I’m talking pretty, not hot, just pretty. Hot? Forget it. Once a year, at the most. Of course, I’m talking about my own age group here, 17-20. I know plenty of very hot women over the age of 21. But my age? Nada.

Anyway, the next day, I’m in Garuda mall, this monstrous place somewhere off brigade road. They’re having some mall celebrations kind of thing, so there’s an oddly misshapen stage in the atrium with the traditional annoying MCs trying to be funny and failing. I walk around, and, as usual, gravitate towards the food. I buy a sub, which sticks to the roof of my mouth, and watch people. Once more, a surfeit of pretty women. I spot a couple (actually, the entire food court is covered in couples) where both the guy and girl are on their phones, ignoring each other. Classic. Another couple, the guy talks nonstop, and the girl gazes disinterestedly towards the digitally connected couple. I spot a congress of sardarjis plotting to kill Sonia Gandhi. I see that the price of lime juice is 40 bucks, and leave immediately, my sensibilities offended.

I head towards the rest room, but am foiled by cleaning crews on two floors. Finally, back on the grond floor and now in a slight hurry, I run into a guy. I apologise, then do a double take. The boy was wearing boxers. And a formal shirt. And a tie. I gasp, turn around, and there are five others dressed weirdly. The pee very nearly froze. I thought I had wandered in on a gay orgy and ended up looking nervously over my shoulder the entire time I was in the restroom. I escape back into the crowded atrium, when suddenly the speakers begin blaring “eye of the tiger” and the aforementioned gay guys start coming onto the stage. (no, not coming like that, you pervert). Turns out the oddly shaped stage was in fact a ramp. Ah well. So, I figure that explains things, and wander away to the coffee shop outside, where I find a nerdy guy with a supercilious expression singing “country roads”, and people asking him to sing ‘leaving on a jet plane’. I wonder why everyone in the city seems overtly sentimental, and wander back into the mall. And just in time to witness the most unfair thing I have ever seen. Another fashion show. This time around, girls. No, wait, amazons. Like Wonder Woman? Yeah. I watch the whole thing like the deprived Loyolite that I am. And after it’s done, I begin to walk away in search of a bookstore. That’s when I hear it. The MC says “and that, people, was the team from Mount Carmel college”. They were college students!! You should see the girls in my college! Lets just say my college has males and non-males. Then you will begin to comprehend how grossly unfair this world is. Aargh.

Ah well. C’est la vie.

Just wanted to rant.

Have a nice day.